"The greatest obstacle to international understanding is the barrier of language." - Christopher Dawson. [Click to share on Linkedin]

A single word has a world of meanings.

So, when you're coaching a team member, pay very close attention to the specific words they use and how they use them. Take this conversation for example:

CSM: "Doing this activity is important to me."

Leader: "Oh, so this task is at the top of your list."

CSM: […thinking "Why are you talking to me about the top of my list? I said the activity was a high priority. What list is that? What task? Should I have a list?"]

Don't substitute your words or meaning to what your team member is telling you. Instead, use backtracking to listen actively to your CSM. This technique is simple - you repeat what they say during a conversation. For example:

CSM: "How do we measure our monthly churn rate?"
You: "Well, let me make sure I understand. You would like to know how we measure our monthly churn rate?"

CSM: "Yes. That's correct…"

This repetition should not feel condescending. It shows that you are paying very close attention, and when you use the words they use, you're paying attention to what these words mean to them.

If your CSM says "What are you saying? I don't follow?", Your judgment and biases are interrupting the conversation. Relate to them with their words, which will take you to a neutral position. You're showing them a mirror, which will make them feel listened to and understood. For some people, it might be the first time in their life anyone has tried to listen to them.

When you speak your CSM's language, you can discover more about where they are coming from and start to understand what they are motivated to do.

Case study: How to solve time management problems with powerful questions

In this case study, we'll share how the 'presenting' problem that a CSM identifies is typically not the underlying or real problem. It takes listening and asking powerful questions to uncover the real problem. Over to Nils.

During a one-on-one, a CSM, who we'll call Jim had a lot of problems. He was struggling, frustrated and unable to focus. He felt like his customers wouldn't respond to him, no matter how much he tried. His presenting problem was: "I'm so frustrated with my role as a CSM. I don't like this. I don't feel good about what I'm doing."

This frustration was consuming him day and night. He was taking his stress and frustration home with him. He was distant with his family because he was constantly worrying about work. Here's the start of our conversation:

Nils: "What's going on, Jim?"

Jim: "I'm SO frustrated and pissed off."

Nils: "What are you frustrated with?"

Jim: "I'm frustrated with customers."

Nils: "Okay, let's dig a little deeper. Specifically, what about the customers is frustrating you?"

Jim: "They never respond to me."

Nils: "Okay, help me understand more."

Jim: "I reach out to them. I go to bat for them, and I do everything I said I was going to do, and sometimes they just flat out do not respond. I give and give and give, and I don't get anything. Not even a thank you."

This problem was impacting him beyond his work. That's an enormous strain and a terrible experience, for him and his family. We dug deeper and looked at his problem from a few perspectives.

I heard "My customers are not responding to me" but chose not to take that at face value because it wasn't the underlying problem. If I acted on that information, I would completely miss the mark. I needed more context, so I asked powerful questions like "Which customers aren't responding to you?" and "What were you expecting, compared to what they did or didn't do?"

I did not have the answer. I was simply trying to listen and understand his world. If I could understand his world, then I could help him figure out a solution. I could not hand him the solution, but I could help him find his solution. We continued the discussion and started to get specific about where he was spending his time and how big this issue was.

One of my favorite exercises with struggling CSMs is a simple whiteboard exercise. We all get carried away with our day to day roles, and this exercise brings clarity to our reality. I drew a giant blank circle on the whiteboard. I handed him a marker and said "I want you to split up into however many categories you like.

Show me how you spend your time." He thought about the activity for 10 seconds and asked: "How much time do I have to do it?" I replied "Take as much as you need. When you are ready, go up there and for each category just list the percentage even if it's not to scale, that's fine." I sat in silence, and I was 100% focused on him.

He listed items including team meetings, customer onboarding and dealing with technical issues via the support team. A tiny slice of his time, maybe 4% of the circle, was for "Customers not responding and dealing with difficult customers." It was such a small part of the circle; he had to draw a tiny line out to label it. When he finished, he took a step back to review the drawing. I said: "OK. Tell me, what's jumps out at you when you look at this chart?"

He said "Customers not responding to me is the smallest part of my work. It's only a couple percent. It's like nothing, yet it's completely consuming my thoughts all day and all night. It's driving me nuts." After this had clicked, he had a big smile on his face, and he said, "Wow! I've lifted a weight off my shoulders. I don't have to worry about it. It's only like 3% or 4% of the time. That is nothing. It just does not matter."

He realized this himself. He had the answer. He just needed to see the problem from a different perspective. I was patient but did not accept the presenting problem as the real issue. I dug deeper, found out the specific customers and the specific situations that were causing frustration and then we looked at his reality.

He realized this big ugly issue was tiny. He now had a grasp of the real problem, because he took the time to break it down and experience his aha moment, without me serving it up to him. When you combine Level 2 listening with asking powerful questions, you'll be amazed at the results.

For part two of the exercise, I drew another blank circle right next to the first one. I asked Jim to take the marker and do another breakdown of his time. This time around, I asked him to show me where he would invest his time to be successful in his role. He knew the exact breakdown. I didn't tell him how to manage his time; he had already known. He also realized that if he did the right things with his available time, then a few unresponsive customers wouldn't be able to derail him.

He realized that while he couldn't control these customers, he could control his frustration and how he handled himself. Because he identified and solved his problems, he was 10x more committed to focusing on what he could control and changing his behavior.

If I had told him what to do, it wouldn't help him. Why? Because I can never see the world from his eyes. If I said, "Well, back in my day as a CSM, I used this tactic to get a response," it would be irrelevant to Jim.

After this conversation, Jim knew he could always come to me with a problem and that I would help him look at things from different perspectives to help him find a solution. Without the exercise, Jim would have been unheard, felt unsupported and would have quit. Jim is a close friend long after we stopped working together.