This is how you should structure your story:

1. Start with WHY you're raising money
   
2. Tell them HOW you're going to do it
   
3. Explain exactly WHAT you'll do with the money

For example, here is my own story from a personal crowdfunding campaign that I ran back in March:

"Six months ago I moved to California to start Gigawatt, couldn't make it home for Thanksgiving or Christmas, and now I miss my mommy (WHY). Since it's my birthday today (more WHY), I'm running a 24-hour online birthday "blitz" fundraising campaign at Gigawatt (HOW). I'm raising $300 for a round-trip plane ticket home to see my mom (WHAT)."